Life has been super busy.
Last Friday was a friend’s birthday party–there was good food, dancing, volleyball. I got to sit on Palindrome’s lap and drink wine, I did a fair number of dishes, I served a volleyball into a teammate’s face, I served up homemade sorbet that I think may have been a hit (people were still commenting on it this week). I got to reconnect with friends, let go, and have fun just for me. A friend from the mainland arrived Friday as well and we slept on the beach Saturday night, went snorkeling Sunday, I got some new pants and a really sexy halter top at the thrift store, Spin (one of my housemates) went back to Oregon to get her stuff to move here for good, etc. The week went unexpectedly fast as usual. I was a little low energy, but I’m starting to come back. Gina (another housemate) and I went for a very brisk walk yesterday–a very brisk fifty minute walk uphill complete with periodic sprinting. Then I danced like crazy last night. I’m starting to be able to relax enough to really get into the flow of this dancing thing. It’s stretching my boundaries, but it’s feeling really good.
Being broke is being a really good experience for me this time around. In the past, if I didn’t have money I would completely withdraw from my friendships, from my life. Now, I am just surrendering to whatever is in front of me–and it is good. I am taking classes that enrich my life at no cost, I’m being treated to dancing, movies, meals, and so forth. In the recent past (I have hitch hiked in my lifetime), I wouldn’t leave the house if I wasn’t guaranteed a way back. Now, I walk out the door without even asking if someone from my household can get me home–I just trust that whatever happens will be good.
I have this hippy feeling that if I just go clean my van and fondle it every day and sit in it and think about how awesome it will be to be able to get around, the money for the parts will just come in. The friend who’s giving it to me is eager to start working on it, but I have no desire to try to force the funds to come in. I am starting to feel this rhythm in my life and, while it feels like it’s almost time for actual money to start showing up in my life, it hasn’t shown up yet, so it’s obviously not quite time.
Tonight is the film festival with a bunch of my friends. We’re going to the Celestial Cinema, which is golf course converted into a huge outdoor cinema for one week a year–there’s a huge screen and we bring blankets and chairs and wine and play frisbee and eat mango cheesecake and cuddle. It is also an opportunity to urinate on the various grass and shrubbery that the resorts waste billions of gallons of water to maintain in a desert environment.
I’m coughing up all kinds of crap, which I hope is just because it’s finally dislodging from the depths of my lungs rather than because I’m getting sick. I have a little of that bronchitis rattle going on, but I’m not feeling the exhaustion that is usually a prelude to illness.
I was having a bit of a funk because I feel like I invariably let down the people I love just by being myself or following my own needs and because I realized that the reason I never want to speak to people or engage with them is because I don’t want to reveal myself. At first, I was all tight about it, but now I couldn’t care less. So what if I don’t want to talk to people–that’s just where I am right now and it’s okay.
I don’t know how my life is so amazing, I just know that it is and I am completely fulfilled.
My goal in life is to learn a little bit about almost everything useful. I adore sunflower sprouts and overcoming my fears. 